One year

We are coming up on one year. Hard to believe it's been that long. Many have wondered what our plans are. No pomp and circumstance planned. Just really want the day to come and go. Here's the truth; every day is an anniversary for me. Another day I made it through. Maybe at a year a medal of honor should be handed out. Don't mean to be sad. Its just that I live this every day. I appreciate that others get to not think about it every day. And I'm touched that so many want to take the day to remember Rod.

Also sort of a blessing that I live it every day; still haven't forgotten his voice, his smell, his silly laugh, his guitar playing, his kindness. I know from being with him for 26 years what he'd do or say in any given situation. I realize many people never get the chance to live the great life I've lead for even one year let alone 26. I have much to be happy and grateful for. And many more years to live and enjoy my children and hopefully grandchildren some day. (Hint hint kids if you're reading this!)

I know what Rod would say about the day; "Might as well use that day to party and remember the good times"

So here's the plan:
Rodney and Kylee will just be returning from a fabulous Alaskan cruise. Those lucky ducks. Still not sure why they didn't take their Moms with them!

Joseph and Luke will be playing basketball with their friends and Rods friends who want to get together and play one in remembrance of Rod.

I will be flying to Utah to visit my girls. We may go to Rods favorite restaurant in Utah; Zupas and eat too much and tell Dad's dumb jokes and laugh instead of cry.

I will also spend some time in the temple. Remembering the promises made there.

One year has come and gone. We've made it through all the 'firsts'. We've seen the depth of compassion and service of so many. Truly amazing the love that has been shown.

I try to keep life going on just as it would if Dad were here. That seems to work best. We are good. Little miracles and blessings are manifest on a regular basis to remind me that while I may be alone, A loving Heavenly Father has not forgotten myself or my children.
Thanks y'all for everything,
Jennifer

His eyes

At some point I realized my phone had over 100 text messages, my voicemail was full. I gave my phone to Jessica, was I required to answer these right now? At 4:00 AM my phone rang, it woke Jessica. It was the eye bank , they wanted Rods eyes. Jessica told them I'd just gone to sleep at 2:00 and she needed to let me sleep. Could they call back? They called again at 5:00, again could they call back? They called again at 6:00 and explained time was of the essence. Jessica decided to wake Rodney, Rodney said yes. Eye bank said they'd need to talk to me to have final verification but that was enough to get the process started. At 7:00 Jess woke me and told me that the eye bank needed to talk to me.

I got on the phone and listened to her; 'very sorry for your loss, sorry to call so early, time is of the essence, this donation would help not one but two people receive their site. It's anonymous but I would get a certificate. I could opt to have my name put on there so if the recipient ever wanted to contact me....'

I listened, I knew the answer but I couldn't answer her. Rod always said I could be empathetic to a fault. Instead I said; "I'm sorry for you! This is the worst job in the world! You have to wake grieving widows in the middle of the night and ask for body parts! How'd you get this job?" She gave me a speech about it was a worthy cause, blah blah I replied again; " I hate making phone calls, this would be a nightmare of a job for me"

Yes of course you can have his eyes, his beautiful, smiling eyes. Should I have told her he needed his reading glasses for everything these days? He even put reading glasses in his sunglasses. Should I have opened his eyes one more time to see them? No not necessary. I realized when I went in the hospital room to say goodbye to his lifeless body, there was nothing I needed to memorize. I knew everything about him.


Rod would've loved to donate every organ, every fiber of his body to help someone else live. Unfortunately they couldn't use anything else. When they were getting out of the kayak, it tipped and he hit his head and was knocked unconscious. He drowned while unconscious. He didn't suffer. It took rescue crews atleast an hour to find him. His body had been without oxygen for too long, no other organs were viable.

Some have said; "With all the crazy adventurous stunts Rod pulled, why was it something so simple that killed him?" I don't know, but it was merciful and painless, that's what matters to me.

It goes without saying that then, when they were asking for his eyes, as now my constant thought is; "Is this really happening? Am I really living this?"

Let me finish this on a lighter note, this is from yesterday;
Luke: "Mom I'm not sad anymore. And there is no way I could cry"

He needed some assurance that this was okay.

Me: "That's great buddy! Dad is proud of you for not being sad. He would be sad if you were still sad."

Luke: "But you're still sad sometimes. Why?"

Me: "Well....I've been with your Daddy since I was Nikka's age. Some day you're going to leave and go have a family of your own. I had planned to stay with Dad for the rest of my life."

Luke: "Well there are lots of wars and rumours of wars and earthquakes and tornados, maybe the Second Coming is coming soon and you won't have too wait long"

That kid has been paying attention in church!